Notes From the Margins…

Darkness in Trumptown: Breaking News

  • February 26, 2016
  • by

FIONA BRUCE:   And now we cut to the White House to hear our political editor Laura Kuenssberg cover Donald Trump’s inaugural speech.  Laura, can you tell us what’s happening?

KUENSSBERG:  Well Fiona, we are really witnessing some extraordinary scenes here on what is truly a momentous occasion.

(Camera pans out to the White House, which has been painted orange.   Tens of thousands of people with dyed orange hair are waiting expectantly.  Drones fly overhead. Searchlights play across the night sky.  In front of the White House a group of men and women are kicking a Mexican to death. )

KUENSSBERG:  Hillary Clinton has conceded defeat and said that she accepts the will of the American people, and now the whole world is waiting to hear the inaugural speech from a man who has defied all expectations to become the forty-fifth president of America.  And here he is!

(Camera cuts to White House.  Strains of the Star-Spangled Banner.   Donald J.  Trump appears wearing a tuxedo, holding hands with Melania Trump, who blows kisses to the camera.   Vice President Sarah Palin is standing beside them, wearing a safari jacket and holding an automatic rifle.   Grown men fall weeping to the ground.  Women writhe and speak in tongues.  Snake handlers play with rattlesnakes.  No one is bitten.  Trump raises two fists and punches the sky.  The crowd does the same.  Vice President Palin fires a burst into the air.  Accidentally shoots a low-flying drone which crashes into the crowd. )

TRUMP: My fellow Americans!  I feel your pain!  I share your rage!  I lick your spittle!  I am Trump!.

CROWD: Trump!   Trump! Trump!

TRUMP: Hey security, how’d the cripple in the back row get in here?  Yeah, the mongoloid.   God I want to punch that guy in the face.   Isn’t my wife beautiful?   Isn’t she  beautiful? I love beauty!  

CROWD:  Me-la-nia!  Me-la-nia!

TRUMP:  And I will not tolerate ugliness in America!  I told you I would win, and I won!

CROWD: Win! Win!  Win!

TRUMP:  I told  you I would whip those pussies and I whipped them!  And let me tell you people, if I win, America wins, and if America wins the whole world wins. And if I say I will bring all jobs back to America, then I will.  Because I know what jobs are.  I hire people.  I am not hired.  I am Trump.  Other politicians are bought, but I buy.  Other politicians stay in hotels. I own Las Vegas!

CROWD:   Las Vegas! Las Vegas!

TRUMP: Other politicians get money from corporations.  I am a corporation.   I am money.  I am Trump!

CROWD:  Trump!   Trump!  Trump!


TRUMP:  Who said that?  Man I want to punch that guy in the face.   Get him out of here!

(Security drag away heckler.  Some members of the crowd pull him away and kick him to death)

CROWD:  Kill!  Kill!  Kill!

TRUMP:  I told you I would build a WALL and I will build a WALL!   Because I am a BUILDER and BUILDERS build WALLS!   And who will pay for it?

CROWD:  Mexico!

TRUMP:  And I promise you tomorrow we start to build that WALL, and 12 million rapists and thieves are going back.   And where will we send them?

CROWD:  To Mexico!  To Mexico!

TRUMP:  And I promise you my fellow Americans that you will be safe behind that WALL! And you will be rich behind that WALL!  And I say to you, no more Muslims will be coming through that WALL!  Because America is a Christian country and I am your own personal Jesus and the Pope is not a Christian and I want to punch him in the face!

CROWD:  In the face!   In the face!

TRUMP: I will punch ISIS in the face.  I will bring back thumbscrews.  I will bring back the rack. And I want to tell you that Special Forces have captured 49 members of Islamic State and they will be waterboarded on prime time news tomorrow and they will be shot with bullets dipped in pig fat.   And if any of those ragheads even thinks about hurting another American,  I  will turn their cities into carparks with nukes wrapped in bacon!  I will kill their families and the ancestors of their families and their household pets!  

SARAH PALIN: Kick!  ISIS!   Ass! (Fires off another burst)

CROWD:  Kill!  Kill!  Kill!

TRUMP:  And I promise you that America will be great again!   As great as I am!  Because I am Trump!

CROWD:  Trump!  Trump!  Trump!

TRUMP: I will make it rain in California!. I will heal the sick!  I will make  the lame walk! I will make every poor man rich! I will turn your money green!   I will give you more money than Donald J. Trump has ever seen.  No more big government!  No more rotten politicians!  No more welfare!  No more taxes!  Free ice cream!

CROWD:  Free ice cream!  Free ice cream!

TRUMP:  So let my orange hair be a candle in the darkness.  Let me be your fluorescent  tangerine dream.  Let my balls be your balls. God bless America and anyone who has anything to say about that, just let him come here and I will punch him in the face!

( Trump bends Melania over backwards and takes her  in a long lingering kiss to the strains of the Beatles’ Revolution. Sarah Palin fires off another burst from her rifle and accidentally shoots one of the security snipers off a rooftop.  Some members of the crowd spot a woman in a hijab and pull it off and begin beating her to death.  Fighter planes carve out the shape of Donald Trump’s head in smoke trails in the sky.   Trump and Melania walk back into the White House.  Cut to a smiling Laura Kuenssberg, standing beside an Abba tribute band singing ‘money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man’s world.’ )

KUENSSBERG:  Well Fiona,  I don’t think anyone here tonight will ever forget it!

(Camera returns to studio).



1 Comment

  1. Mark

    28th Feb 2016 - 11:33 am

    Think i’d better get my order in with Amazon to pre order the forthcoming political satire by M . Carr. A Very American Revolution!. Good piece Matt.

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About Me

I’m a writer, campaigner and journalist.  My latest book is The Savage Frontier: The Pyrenees in History and the Imagination (New Press/Hurst, 2018).  The Infernal Machine is where I write on politics, history, cinema and other things that interest me.

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